centre of the universe - the dreaming

Well. Here we are. Only two coaches left. The most difficult, and the easiest.

First, let me just say that I haven't an appropriate photograph for the first coach (who is, coincidentally, the most difficult coach to find a celebrity lookalike for). The Montreal Alouettes are an excellent team, and have earned every inch of their Grey Cup playoff spot against the Riders. To be completely honest, if I were the sort of person who was prone to doubt, I would be by way of thinking that Montreal will be going home on the airplane with an awful lot of silver.

So. Marc Trestman is the coach of the Montreal Alouettes. He is lean and springy and he has this amazing smile. Seriously, if you've ever heard the expression "...has a smile that lights up his/her face", you know what I mean. Here, I'll show you.

Marc Trestman:	And here, Marc Trestman smiling

And do you know who he looks like? Can you see it in those two images? It's a bit of a trick question, because there are only a select few people who are going to be able to see it. It's not an optical illusion...would you like to guess? Go ahead. I'll wait....

...

...


Okay, no, I'm not waiting. Marc Trustman looks **just like a less good-looking, slightly off VIPER PILOT!!!!**

"Doubleyou tee eff?" you're thinking, if you've no idea who Viper Pilot is. Well, see, I haven't asked his permission to put his photo on my bournal, and the photo that I do have that looks most like Marc Trustman is a Very Old Photo. But you have to trust me. Dude looks like Viper Pilot.

There's also something Very Strange going on with Marc Trestman's eyebrows, which make him look a little like Guy Pearce from one of his seminal roles:


Felicia, from Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

His Nibs doesn't see it, but the minute I saw Marc Trestman's eyebrows, I thought of RuPaul and some of the most wonderful and FABULOUS drag queens around. I don't know if maybe it's a congenital thing, or maybe if he just has naturally FABULOUS eyebrows. But if you look at the pictures of him smiling, you see his lovely, sensitive eyebrows.

I'm not saying that Marc Trestman is a drag queen.

Although I just now had a really really good idea (TUO, quoting Stuart McLean, would say, "no, cenobyte, you had a *different* idea"). And my really really good idea is that all of the coaches of the CFL should do a drag show to raise money either for charity (more likely) or to help Ottawa or Halifax start up a CFL team. And, on top of that, a players' drag show would also be awesome. I mean, with all the spandex in those change rooms, they have to be halfway there anyway.

I mean really. Are you with me here? Marc Trustman kind of has fabulous transvestite eyebrows. Maybe it will help to see him side-by-side with Felicia here:

Marc Trestman (note the eyebrows)	Felicia, from Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

Coincidence?
I THINK NOT!!!

Now.

This is the moment you have been waiting for. How do I know? Even though you don't know because you don't know what it is that you're waiting for? I know because I *do* know what it is that you're waiting for, and I can tell you that this will be the most shocking and amazing thing you've ever seen. You're going to sit in your chair, with your eyes bugging out of your head, and you're going to gasp: "how could I not have KNOWN this?" Then, when it's over, you're going to say "Thank you, cenobyte, for opening my eyes to the wonders of..." ...oh wait. That's starting to sound like a date I went on in 1994. Nevertheless, you will be amazed.

But before we get there, my friend Rob (who has not lost his marbles yet) thinks that the coach of the Calgary Stampeders looks like actor/musician/douchebag Billy Bob Thornton. They both have that rugged outdoorsy-type look to them, don't they? They both wear ball caps. They both wear sunglasses, and although I've no desire to know whether they both have matching chest hair, I can see a certain resemblance there. I really like Billy Bob Thornton, in spite of his douchebaggery with former King of Spain-turned CBC radio host Jian Ghomeshi. I'm not sold on the comparison with this CFL coach, though. But that could be because I know The Truth. But hey. Give the kid a break.

DK has suggested that Calgary's coach looks less like a douchebag and more like a famous rodent. I must admit, there is no small amount of groundhoggery going on with Hufnagel's ...slight...overbite... I'm relatively certain that if you popped a little wee Calgary Flames jersey on this little fellow, and outfitted him with a set of headphones and a couple of oddly trained CFL officials (see cenobyte's "CFL Officials School" series), and I bet you'd have a fairly good likeness. Still, I think this comparison still has a long way to go.

I'm not sure you're really ready for this, but....

Once upon a time, there was a Western Canadian football team called the Calgary Stampeders. They were very popular with some people from Calgary, although it was always unclear why. You see, they played a pretty good game of football, and they'd won the Grey Cup a few times, and they looked *awfully* debonair in their red and black uniforms. But that wasn't their secret. Really, their popularity, nay, their *success* has been due to only one thing.

And that one thing is that their coach, a so-called "John Hufnagel" is actually not who he says he is. The truth of the matter is that the Calgary Stampeders are the team they are for one reason and one reason only:

Alice Cooper is their coach.

Is this really mild-mannered John Hufnagel,            coach of the Calgary Stampeders?	Or is **Alice Cooper** their real coach?

John Hufnagel?                                           or                      Alice Cooper?

That's right. And this year?
SCHOOL'S OUT...FOR EVAR!!!


Go ahead. Just *try* and not see Alice Cooper every time you see John Hufnagel from now on. In fact, just for you, this is the only image in the entire series that I Photoshopped (badly, I might add):



THUS ENDETH THE LESSON!!!

Labels: CFL, lookalikes, photo essay

Today, you get a special two-coach deal. Why? Because tomorrow is the Grey Cup, and I'm saving my very, very favourite CFL Coach look-alike for tomorrow.

The Hamilton Tiger Cats (otherwise known as the Ti-Cats) have a long and proud football tradition. Which includes losing to the Saskatchewan Roughriders, except on those occasions when we totally suck and can't manage to actually join the game until just after the game is over. Sad, that game was. Sad.

The coach for the Hamilton Ti-Cats is terribly cute. I mean, he is seriously cute. In that "Don't you wink at *me*, Marcel Bellefeuille, unless you plan on buying me a sodie pop after the game" sort of way. Incidentally, doesn't "bellefeuille" mean "beautiful leaf"?

...right.

Well. Mr. Pretty Leaf was a difficult coach to match. Not as difficult at the Montreal Alouettes coach, who only looks like a celebrity in terms of this guy what we know. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I want you to compare the following two images and see if it is or if it is not the *same facial expression*...or at least a strikingly similar facial expression:

This is the head coach of the Hamilton Ti-Cats. In French, his name means "beautiful leaf". He is pretty cute.	This is Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy. He's a doctor, not a linebacker.

Because he is the Man of Many (Pretty Leaf) Faces, it also became apparent to me that in more dramatic conditions, during those times when the lights are low, when sultry music is playing in the background...maybe there are garlic butter escargot and a two-hundred dollar bottle of wine on the table...when Marcel is speaking in low, dulcet tones...it occurs to me that Marcel Bellefeuille bears a striking resemblance to another Mystery Man:

Marcel "Pretty Leaf" Bellefeuille...or...	Jean Claude Van Damme (aka Jean Van Goddamn Clam)

Then again, in certain other poses:

Marcel "Beautiful Leaf"       Bellefeuille.	X-Man heavyweight Wolverine.	Autobot Bumblebee

I think the Ti-Cats' uniforms lend themselves nicely to the X-Men and certain Transformers.

Now.

I promised you two coaches, and two coaches you shall have. You may notice a kind of theme emerging in these identification guidelines, and it is a theme or pattern which supposes you have a fairly solid edumacation in things like obscure/nerdy/outdated pop culture. I can *not* watch the Toronto Argonauts without a) feeling a little sorry for Kerry Joseph, who was the quarterback for the Saskatchewan Roughriders when we won the Grey Cup in 2007. He has not been at all successful in Toronto, and I'm not sure if it's all the smog, or maybe if it's because he's just not "meshing" with the team, or whether he's scared out of his wits because his team is coached by a hideous monster:

Toronto Argonauts coach Mike Kelly is actually	wolfman/vampire child Eddie Munster

Okay, maybe a dark, broody Eddie Munster with less eyeliner and more testosterone. But seriously. Eddie Munster. I mean, look at that widow's peak! Look at it! It's like Bela Lugosi's wet dream! Isn't it wonderful?! (the widow's peak, not Bela Lugosi's wet dreams) I mean, grow Eddie up a few years, give him that squinty "are you effing SERIOUS!? THAT is the call you're going to make?" look, and you've got Bart Andrus. Here's Bela Lugosi's best widow's peak:


I mean, same *pose* as Bart, but, well, Bart files his nails, and ...um...well, he does loom, but not in such a swoopy way. In fact, I'd like to see Bart Andrus in a stage production of "Dracula". I'd bet you dollars to doughnuts he wouldn't bloody sparkle. You can tell that no matter how much Brylcream Bela Legosi uses, he's never going to have Bart Andrus' widow's peak. And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "Bart" the perfect name for someone with a widow's peak like that? I think he should change Toronto's team colours to purple and black (and silver, for the team 'whites') and play the Sisters of Mercy "Vision Thing" for their entrance song:



Heh. "Bart Andrus as Dracula: 100% sparkle-free, and now with 98% less estrogen! Made like a good vampire flick *should* be!" Mr. Andrus, if you're ever looking for something to do in the off-season, you should call me. I have this idea for this thing at the local theatre...You'd be a shoo-in!

Thus endeth the lesson.

Labels: CFL, lookalikes, photo essay

I hope you are enjoying the pictoral essay of How To Identify CFL coaches. It's like a trapping/hunting/survivalist animal identification course, but it has less spoor.Yesterday, we learned to spot subtle differences between Yankee actors and CFL coaches, and we also learned that Saskatchewan Roughriders head coach Ken Miller used to be a CBC children's television programme host. And that he was once very, very large.

Today, we will study the head coach of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

I'm assuming you know about the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

They, nearly single-handedly, named the Labour Day Classic re-match "The Banjo Bowl". I think the fans out Winnipeg-ways thought it would be the ultimate insult. But, see, this is the thing with people who believe in things like magic and a team that has won the Grey Cup only twice in the past however many years the CFL has been handing them out. We know when 'tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and when to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them. And, see, we end them. Every. Time.

Now, their coach is an enigmatic, but expressive gent who goes by the name of Mike Kelly. Mike Kelly has this great scowl. And he wears these crazy sunglasses that you can't see the arms of at the best of times. And I love watching the guy.I think during half time, he slips into the changeroom and dons a full-length black fur cassock.

This is par for the course for someone who moonlights as:

Mike Kelly is the head coach of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.	Uncle Fester is Gomez Addams' weird electrophilic brother. Or Morticia Addams' mother's brother. Depending on which source you're citing.

Sure, Uncle Fester is pretty cool, but in the long run, he's just kind of the weird cousin of the cool guy (It), and his brother/nephew (Gomez) is infinitely more sophisticated. Um. We're Gomez in that analogy.

Seen here in a much more jovial atmosphere, the similarity is even more striking:


I do not in any way endorse the tossing of light bulbs onto the field during play. Mike Kelly is not a circus performer. He only does the lightbulb thing at family reunions and when Winnipeg wins the Grey Cup. Since you're not related to him and Winnipeg is not likely to win the Grey Cup any time soon, it's probably safe to assume that you will never be privy to the light bulb trick.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Labels: CFL, lookalikes, photo essay

I want to make it clear that I am not forgetting anyone in this pictoral essay of the CFL. There is method to my madness, you see, and I am leaving the very best CFL coach-a-like until last, so you can enjoy it on Grey Cup Sunday.

Yesterday, we learned how to recognise the Head Coach of the Edmonton Eskimos (as well as the General Manager).

Today, class, the best team in the CFL, the Saskatchewan Roughriders.

Now I should mention that I have been watching football most likely since before I could walk. My grandmother used to watch football every weekend in the summer. She didn't care which teams were playing, although she did prefer Canadian football to the American game. My father played football and coached football and watched football...in high school, I attended several football games under super secret cover...which reminds me of the time the cheerleaders at our high school misspelled the seven-letter name of our school. Embarassing, that. When the 'Riders won the Grey Cup in 1989, as I've mentioned here before, I was at the pub (underage) watching the game.

My team of choice has always been Saskatchewan. I don't think I need to explain that. Even when they're not the best team in the league, they're the best team in the league.

Now. When I began this foray into a pictoral essay, I thought I might get submissions from you. And you have not disappointed me! So, I shall incorporate some of the suggestions as well.

Brielle made the following suggestion for The Saskatchewan Roughriders' head coach, Ken Miller:

Saskatchewan Roughriders head coach Ken Miller	This is a guy called Al Franken, from Saturday Night Live.

They are both very happy men; this much is clear. Look at those wide, chicklet smiles. They both wear glasses and headphones. This is a good comparison.

However, the best way to identify the head coach of the Saskatchewan Roughriders is to think back to some of the innocent days of your life. Weekday mornings, CBC television...

This is Ken Miller. He is the head coach of the Saskatchewan Roughriders.	This is the Friendly Giant.  He was a CBC icon.

Sometimes, Ken Miller holds things:	Sometimes, The Friendly Giant holds things:

Coach Ken Miller has a Wide Receiver called Rob Bagg. The Friendly Giant has a Small Rooster *in* a bag!

They just...you know...they just make you so *happy*!

Thus endeth the lesson.

Labels: CFL, lookalikes, photo essay

The second in the pictoral essay of CFL coaches is brought to you today by the number 7 and by the letter Q. No, there are no muppets in this webisode. Okay, well, there are muppets in *everything* cenobyte does, at the very least, in spirit. In fact, when Jim Henson died, my best friend even-tempered, long-suffering Sarah and my own self wore green and black arm bands for a fortnight. THAT was a sad day indeed.

Of course, if I were to own the Muppet Show DVDs...

...but, I digress.

So. Yesterday, we learned how to identify the coach of the British Columbia Lions.

Today, class, we will learn the distinguishing characteristics of the head coach of the Edmonton Eskimos. Now, you might think the head coach of a team called the "Eskimos" might be a guy called "Nanook" or "Tuktaluuk", but you would be wrong. And probably a little culturally insensitive. The first way to identify the coach of this team is to first identify a multitude of Edmonton Eskimos players. They are often dressed in football uniforms; in particular, green and gold football uniforms. You can tell football uniforms by the taut little buns nestling inside, rolling around each other like ben-wa balls in a ....well. They look nice.

*ahem*

On to the topic at hand, then?
First, a word about the previous Eskimos coach: He is approximately five foot one, which, when surrounded by linebackers and tight ends (snicker), makes him look like a cabbage patch doll. But. When it's just a picture of him, he looks just like:

Danny Maciocia	Will Robinson (DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!)

Strangely, now that Danny Maciocia is the General Manager of the Edmonton Eskimos, he looks more like another famous Danny:

Danny Maciocia	Danny "Must I Wear Clothes" Bonaduce

But neither of these versions of Danny Maciocia (pronounced "Danny") is the current coach of the Edmonton Eskimos. In fact, the head coach is none other than former Roughriders' defensive co-ordinator, Richie Hall:

Richie Hall	A bunch of wheat.

I can't help but love Coach Hall. I desperately wanted him to look like Shaft, but, no such luck. I do have a photo of him in which he looks a little like Morpheus (from The Matrix), but only because they're both bald black men:

Richie Hall	Morpheus

That is how to identify the Head Coach (and the General Manager) of the Edmonton Eskimos. Tomorrow, my personal favourite for look-a-likes.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Labels: CFL, lookalikes, photo essay

This will be the first in a seven- or eight-post series dedicated to the fine coaches of the Canadian Football League. I decided to do this series as a photo essay when I was watching the football and began seeing striking resemblences between certain CFL coaches and folks..well...what looked like them.

Now, it should be said, if you don't follow CFL football, um, well I don't really understand why you wouldn't, but you never know how many times the clowns have skittered out of your closet in the middle of the night to suck the breath from your nostrils, so I guess you can't be blamed for that. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that the CFL is quite a lot different from the NFL (and I should point out here that "CFL" stands for "Canadian Football League" and "NFL" means "National Football League". NFL is played in the "New Nighted States", as Yours Truly used to call the USA).

First, there are only eight teams in the CFL, which is few enough that I can name them all here, for posterity:
British Columbia Lions
Edmonton Eskimos
Calgary Stampeders
Saskatchewan Roughriders
Winnipeg Blue Bombers
Toronto Argonauts
Hamilton Ti(ger)-Cats
Montreal Alouettes

There is talk in Ottawa about them starting up another team. They used to have a bunch of rag-tag vagabonds running around there called the "Rough Riders", but they wouldn't know a real football team if it slapped them in the arse. Plus, they went broke. Then they came back for a season or two as the Ottawa Renegades. And then they went broke. So now, there's talk in Ottawa about building a new stadium. Which means they're also talking about bring back a ninth CFL team, which can only, IMO, be a good thing. To be honest, I think we need some Eastern teams. I mean, would it seriously be impossible for Halifax to throw together a team?

Anyway. So the CFL is tiny, compared to the NHL (which has 32 teams). Also, there is WAAAAAAAAY more money in the NFL, so sometimes, the coaches, particularly of the more winninger teams (ie - not the Buffalo Bills), and certainly the players, attain some degree of notoriety.

Not so in the CFL. You might watch football for an entire season and still have no concrete idea of what the coach for your favourite team looks like. This photo essay is meant to be a helping guideline for you so that you can learn to recognise the CFL coaches if you see them downtown selling newspapers or used sports equipment to raise money for their team (The Saskatchewan Roughriders are a community-owned team; you can actually buy shares in the team. I'm not sure how many others are, but that's part of the reason why we bitch so much when they don't do well; it's like sending your kid to college and realising he's majoring in the Department of Beer and Bongs).

So. We'll start on the west coast. Oh the left of the screen, you will see the coach. Beside that, you will see the coach's look-alike. Then, later on, there will be a quiz.

This is Wally Buono.                                                                He is the coach of the BC Lions.	This is John Gotti. He is a Mobster*. A dead mobster.

Wally Buono                                                                          John Gotti

Once again, that was:

Wally Buono                                                                          John Gotti


For those of you who do not know who John Gotti was, here is, perhaps, a more relevant comparison:

This is Wally Buono. He is the coach of the BC Lions.	This is Fat Tony. He is a Cartoon Mobster* on the Simpsons.

Wally Buono                                                                  Fat Tony

I should also point out that although the similarity is striking, there is an easy way to ensure you will not become confused as to who is who: Fat Tony is a PRETEND guy. He's a draw'ring', if you will. Wally Buono is very much real, and he has the cutest facial expressions. Usually when his team is doing worse than he thinks it ought to.

Thus endeth the lesson.



--
*Note: No mobsters were harmed in the making of this post. Also: This post in no way infers or implies that Wally Buono *is* a mobster, or that he undertakes any kind of similar behaviours. Merely that he resembles a mobster. Also, all photos used in this series are free-use images and they have not been in any way altered.

Labels: CFL, lookalikes, photo essay