centre of the universe - the dreaming: advice

10/08/2004: "advice" My father told me once that it is a good idea to defer to the male ego. I wasn't sure exactly what he meant at the time, but since he was offering praise, I thanked him and went about my business without giving it much thought.

I think I'm beginning to understand.

It's not necessarily to do with men in particular. It's to do with the "male ego" (and yes, the air quotes are intentional and required there). Traditionally, the "male ego" has been portrayed as one that is aggressive, goal-oriented, and fast-paced. I guess, what we think of as an 'alpha' personality. That's not to say that all men have egos like this, and it's not to say that no women do. I've met some pretty aggressive, goal-oriented women who stop for no one unless it's to walk over them on their way to success.

But it's the concept of deferring to that attitude that my father was talking about. You don't have to compromise your own beliefs, you don't have to compromise your own self or your own ego; you just have to figure out a way to let the other guy feel right and justified and in control.

That's tough sometimes, but if you're creative enough, I think it's doable. As my boss would say, you should never have to say "no"; you probably don't even need to say "yes, but...". It's as simple as saying "yes, and". And it has a lot to do with simply learning negotiating skills (which one learns when one has to deal with children...um...and LARPers).

F'rinstance. You don't want your kid (or your LARPer) to jump in puddles BEFORE daycare (or the game), because you know they'll be damp and miserable for the rest of the afternoon (or evening). So when they ask if you'll jump in puddles with them, instead of saying "No; you're not to jump in puddles", you can simply say, "Yes, I'll be happy to jump in puddles with you after daycare (or the game). Let's both wait until then so we're not damp and miserable."

Sure, sometimes the puddles get jumped ANYWAY, but the point is, you're not being negative, and you're still deferring to the other person's desire.

Now, what my father was talking about had much more to do with corporate/professional stuff; basic listening and dialogue skills that many people don't care to learn. But I think, as is the way with advice from one's parents, what I've taken from that advice is much more broad-based than he had intended. Knowing my father, he probably *did* mean "since you're a woman, it's a good idea to let the man talk, even if he makes no sense, because you can just let him sound like an idiot, then you say what you need to, and hopefully make yourself sound more intelligent to the people who are listening".

But that's not what *I* mean by it.

And I don't know if any of what I've just written makes sense (except for the children/LARPers comment; that was pretty straightforward), but it makes sense to me.

"Post-Ministry" "Swimming and Flying, flying and swimming"

5 Comments

Smarty Pants , on Friday, 8th October:

Your father seems wise...although I'm wondering if that kind of response to agressive egos just feeds them. I can defer on things that don't matter, but I find it difficult to be demure when the "male ego" is obviously and / or dangerously wrong. Know what I mean?
ex - an agressive ego wants to advertise his store by firing off shotguns and screaming racial slurs.
I would say your father is a wise man...but there comes a time to stand your ground and stand it firm. The trick is knowing exactly "what hill is worth dying on"?

cenobyte , on Friday, 8th October:

Well, of course "something something is the better part of valour. Or victory. Or bravery. Or intelligence." Or however that quote goes.

I also find it very difficult to defer to *anything* I find hurtful or dangerous or morally unjust. The best I can do in those situations (barring me frothing at the mouth and unabashedly entering into heated debate) is say, "oh", or "I suppose that's one way to look at it".

Your example, Smarty Pants, reminds me of Carny Nerland who owned the gun store in Prince Albert. Remember him? He shot Leo Lachance as Leo left the gunstore his first day out of prison? Carny was a member of the Heritage Front; a card-carrying proud member (are there any other kinds?) and he used to do just that.

Of course, he spent four years in prison and is now living on the lamb, running scared for turning tattler in the joint.

Smarty Pants , on Tuesday, 12th October:

"something something is the better..."
That would be "discretion".

Terry , on Tuesday, 12th October:

My dad's equivalent of that advice was "Pick your battles. You can't win them all, so figure out which ones are important and win those."

Good advice. I should've listened.

cenobyte , on Tuesday, 12th October:

That was a *different* bit of advice I didn't listen to. That one had more to do with "leave your poor mother alone and go fight with your friends over something inane", I think.

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