centre of the universe - the dreaming: The shingle

02/05/2007: "The shingle" I am hanging out my shingle as an official web-biographer. I have written a biography for Clark Ferlak, whose blog no longer exists - it was eaten by inter-rats.

So. If you have a blogger account or a bournal or a web page, I will write your bio for you (I hate writing my own, but I like writing yours). Of course, I'll need some information. So if you want to post the following information here or email it to c3n0byte at gmail dot com, I will write your bio for you.

Information cenobyte needs to write your bio:
1) A place you have lived, or have wanted to live
2) An article of clothing you adore
3) Your current occupation
4) Your dream jorb
5) Your life's ambition/life's goal
6) Something you'd rather be doing
7) Oh, possibly your name, or your alias, or something
8) Something that has shaped your life

Oh, and by the way, the biographies I'm offering to you completely free of charge will most likely be very sarcastic. And possibly goofy.

"Middling Sniffles" "Tonight"

I am I am serious!

29 Comments

rilla , on Monday, 5th February:

I'll bite! (metaphorically)

1) Riding Mountain
2) My new brown velvety dress jacket
3) English grad student
4) poet
5) To foster a love of literature in others
6) speaking French perfectly
7) rilla
8) cabbage borscht

The Biographer , on Monday, 5th February:

Rilla (whose name means, in Australian, ‘one who rills’) has lived most of her life in the shadow of Riding Mountain, a guest ranch in the perilous Manitoba Escarpment. The rugged landscape, described with big words like ‘boreal’ and ‘deciduous’ has always left Rilla with a sense of the interconnectedness of humankind and its natural history. As a young woman, Rilla left the grand steppes of the Manitoba Escarpment (and lived to tell the tale) and made her way west, to fortune and to further her education. It was there, on the languid plains of Saskatchewan, she met her husband, who shares with her, among other things, a great love of cabbage borscht. Due to her brown velvety dress jacket, Rilla has been able to further her studies and procure employment as a grad student. She teaches Englishmen how to better fit in outside of their native Britain (which involves forcefully restraining them from apologizing and teaching them that it is *not* normal to ‘queue up’ for everything). Despite being able to speak perfectly fluent French to bagels and small children, Rilla is working toward her first book of published poetry, which will, she hopes, drive others to a love of fine literature. A little known fact about Rilla is that when she was nine years old, she had her left arm completely replaced with that of a belly dancer.

haunting_love , on Tuesday, 6th February:

I totally need one of these.

1) wanted to live in Glastonbury
2) I love my black sweater of course
3) Staff Accountant
4) Bordello Madame
5) To see to it that everyone on earth owns or has read Ishmael.
6) I'd rather be eating chocolate cake
7) haunting_love
8) Everything has shaped my life. I will give you creative licence here.

The Biographer , on Tuesday, 6th February:

As the staff Accountant for Madame Zinzin's, Haunting_Love can, and does, say, with reasonable certainty, that she is proficient with arithmetic. Arriving in her current location from parts South, she has always wanted to live on a whaling ship bound for Glastonbury. Throughout her short but varied travels, Haunting_Love has acquired many wonderful artifacts and objets d'art, and while camping in the thick underbrush of the bold midwest prairie, she stumbled upon the infamous "black sweater of the Azores". Thought to have been lost hundreds of years ago to invading conquistadores, the “black sweater” as it has come to be known, is now believed to have been carried north as a sacred object of maternal/feminine power and mystique. Haunting_Love is an accomplished cookist; her sauce aux spaghettis being known as some of the best, most garlicky stuff around, and only she knows the secret recipe for The Chocolate Cake of the Gods. Haunting_Love has eleven siblings, three of which are twins, and all of them own copies of Ishmael, which H_L believes is the most important thing to read, after the owner's manual for your vehicle. For the past several years, H_L has been working and living in the bordello while she raises her own seven children, two dogs, and a goldfish called Larry. She finds inspiration in many things, especially things begnning with the letter A.

haunting_love , on Tuesday, 6th February:

applauds with glee

Fantastic! I love it!

Gypsyhick , on Tuesday, 6th February:

OMG! An official web-biography by cenobyte - I'm soooo in:

1) The Greek Island of Hydra
2) Grey shirt with pink and metallic skulls
3) computer slave
4) Potter and web geek
5) Empower others
6) Knitting with alpaca silk or throwing some clay
7) Gypsyhick, of the Canadian Gypsyhicks
8) I married a gun-toting, beer-guzzling, artsy-witty looney

The Biographer , on Tuesday, 6th February:

It has been three generations since the first Gypsyhicks emmigrated to Canada from remote tropical islands where they serve drinks in fishbowls, sometimes with the fish still in. Although the original reason stated for coming to the New Country was “no fish in drinking glasses”, the family will tell you that they were desperately trying to reach the idyllic shores of Hydra, in the Greek Peninsula, but due to some rather sloppy navigation involving a catheter and two leopard seals, they made their way to the Great North. Gypsyhick, of the Canadian Gypsyhicks, works in a 4X4 whitewashed box with no top, and although she dreams of Greater Things, the least of which is to dole out free power to Californians, thereby overthrowing the government, her efforts must needs be, for the time being, directed at serving the Com of Pewter. She was married in a grey shirt with pink and metallic skulls, to a funny drunk guy who had a gun shoved in his trousers. It was for the best. Gypsyhick, of the Canadian Gypsyhicks, enjoys short walks to the cornerstore, making stupid amounts of butter tarts, and throwing wet dirt at alpacas. She has recently learned to knit, and if that whole thing with giving out free power to Californians doesn't work out, she'll most likely take over the world by making an exact replica of it on her potter's wheel, and using it as some kind of strange Vodoun effigy. But she's very nice. Really. Just, you know, be nice back first, and you should be good. No really!

neuba , on Tuesday, 6th February:

This is a great opportunity to allow someone else to blog for me while I take my hiatus.

1) Oxford
2) My 20 year old Esprit T-Shirt
3) Learning & Development Advisor
4) A good Chef
5) Own my own business
6) Travelling
7) neuba
8) My Master's degree

The Biographer , on Tuesday, 6th February:

Neuba is the fish head filleter at a major hotel chain in Alberta. Her area of study, in which she has not one, but two degrees, is in ichthyology, and in her spare time, she learns stuff about other stuff. While attending university at Oxford, for example, she learned to develop advisors, a lengthy and dangerous process that more often than not ends in complete sociological and genetic breakdown. The job she is currently at (at which she is very, very good) is a stepping stone on the road to a larger dream, to open her very own combination bridal-hair-accessory/sushi/dessert shop and eatery. When Neuba is not travelling the world in her remote-controlled jet, she likes to take long walks with a 20-year-old T-Shirt called “Esperente”. “This kind of T-Shirt was very comfortable in the 80s”, she says. Neuba lives and works somewhere west of Saskatchewan, and she likes to practise numerology in secret. She has several hobbies, and sometimes people let her use sharp, pointy objects! Raised in a highly religious family of Scientological Reform Unitarians, Neuba has developed a line of self-help Braille books-on-tape, which will hopefully see publication in the near future. For more information on Neuba and Neuba's natural habitat, contact Environment Canada. Neuba is endangered in the New York area.

chad , on Wednesday, 7th February:

Though I have an "About" page, it is a desolate, witless place.

1) Throughout the time stream
2) pajamas, preferably flannel
3) substitute teacher
4) ankylosaur
5) helping!
6) spreading critical thinking skills, preferably while inside a dirigible
7) RastaChad
8) gravity

The Biographer , on Wednesday, 7th February:

Dirigibles. Just think of how lovely that word is. Dirigible. Something dirigy, what is also ible. These are the kinds of problems that present themselves to RastaChad on a regular basis. He is a dreamer, and he is curious. Like a monkey, but he smells much better (mostly). RastaChad emerged fully formed from the head of a lesser Manchurian God, somewhere in the seventh century. Not finding his surroundings sufficiently cosy, he holed himself up in a cave for a few months devising a virus that would cause the locals of the time, far behind in the advancement of their civilisation, to think about thinks in a different way. A virus that would cause them to question and to investigate. RastaChad has always felt somewhat bound, as if the forces that attract things to other things had simply too much of a hold on him; and so he learned the wonders of flannel pyjamas. With flannel, the body feels as if it floats above the sheets, while at the same time staying warm and comfortable and not in need of scratching. Because of a misunderstanding surrounding a flock of ducks and several chopsticks, RastaChad was forced to flee his cave, once again finding refuge in the corpse of a deceased Deity. RastaChad is amazed at most things, which is a wonderful way to be, indeed. He dearly wishes he could be an armour-plated giant lizard, but has had to settle for helping to shape the minds of the country's youth. Only on a part-time basis; they may go back to watching “American Idol” when they are home. As anyone who meets RastaChad will tell you, he is always willing to lend a hand, foot, or other relatively inocuous appendage if one is in need. He would probably even offer to give you some of his hair, if you were cold. Or lonely. Or just a little strange.

chad , on Wednesday, 7th February:

Perfect.

And so, I thank you.
(As does Lesser Manchuria.)

Thunderhowl , on Thursday, 8th February:

1.Saskatoon
2.My "Evil Captain of Industry" T-shirt
3.Night Auditor
4.Superhero/Lifeguard of the Genepool/Criminal Mastermind
5.to make it through to the end with all my parts attached.
6.sleeping
7.Thunderhowl
8.I was going to say gravity, but instead I'll cite my lack of incredible super powers.

The Biographer , on Thursday, 8th February:

In the early 70s, Thunderhowl was presented with a gift that would later shape the rest of his life. He was given, by Jenny Greensleeves herself, the ability to remove his own arms and eat live children. Unfortunately, these are superpowers that Thunderhowl rarely is able to use. Born and raised in an underground lair, Thunderhowl currently resides in the bottom third of a rectangular place. He is currently employed in the service industry, where he controls the setting of the sun and the removal of undesireable entities from the temporary habitats of humans. Although his current occupation is more of a means to an end rather than a lifetime career, he does wish someday to be an evil overlord with good intentions. Or was that a good overlord with evil intentions? Either way, he would like all people to recognise his incredible power over them, which he demonstrates by waggling his index fingers in the most unnerving way. Thundermark requires biofuel in order to remain operational, and when his regenerative cycle is interrupted or somehow cut short, he has been known to short circuit. Contrary to poplarly held beliefs, Thunderhowl believes that there is an end to all things, and would gladly trade in his superpower abilities for the knowledge that he will be there, with a marching band at his disposal, along with some very sexy baton twirlers, to welcome it. He's a fatalist, really, which is probably a good thing to be when you're an evil overlord.

savia , on Sunday, 11th February:

1. Firenze, Italia
2. Red and black beaded bra
3. Fearless female extraordinaire
4. Postcolonial literature professor, tenured, of course
5. Love, laughter, fulfillment, friendship and fearlessness
6. Singing, dancing, acting and just being plain silly
7. Saviabella
8. Being underestimated and misunderstood

The Biographer , on Sunday, 11th February:

What can one say about the indominatable, the insatiable Saviabella? Hailing from the City of Fires in Italy, her name means “cute bellybutton”. For generations, Saviabella has wowed the Western world with her underwater song and dance one-woman show entitled Silly Bella, which has been booked solid under Brodway in the East River for two years running. Saviabella spends all her time as a woman, and in addition, she has a job that she excels at, regardless of her gender (which is female). Although her attempts at oyster shucking were a misunderstood foray into getting in touch with her masculine side, Saviabella does not let others' underestimations of her wit and sauciness delay her. She would someday like to teach ten or so students about the books that were written in big ol' houses a couple of hundred years ago. Saviabella's secret powers (which this biographer cannot mention, on the grounds that they would no longer be secret, but let me assure you, they are impressive) are held in check by a red and black beaded brassiere she lifted from the slumbering form of a belly-dancing Amazon while on vacation in the Andes. She is viciously intelligent, charming, whole, and not afraid of clowns. Which may or may not be a good thing. That remains to be seen.

savia , on Sunday, 11th February:

Much better than anything I could write about myself - thanks!

Thunderhowl , on Monday, 12th February:

Sweet! Thanks!

Suz , on Tuesday, 13th February:

1) Provost, AB
2) my pink cashmere hat
3) projects 2 specialist team manager
4) spending time with people I care about
5) be happy and make others happy
6) playing Tetris
7) Regina Suzanne Enns
8) my parents

R:tAG , on Tuesday, 13th February:

1) London, England
2) My brown sweater hand-knit by TUO
3) Game designer
4) I'm livin' it!
5) To create my magnum opus
6) Sleeping, drinking coffee, playing a game
7) Randy!
8) My lovely TUO!

The Biographer , on Tuesday, 13th February:

Regina Suzanne Enns has come a long way from her humble beginnings as a Tetris team specialist. Incidentally, that name is pronounced “Soo-zahn”. There were many people who doubted that Ms. Enns would be able to achieve her dream, but here she is today, the happy Universal Projects 2 Tetris leader! Long hours of hard work and dedicated thumb-manoeuverings have combined in precisely the right titrations to make her famous and allow her time to spend ample time with people. This is a huge step forward for the woman who, until recently, could only be seen in public if accompanied by a six-foot-tall pink cashmere hat. Ms. Enns cites her parents as having given her strength, cookies; indeed, life itself. Before her journey to the peak of Mt. Fuji last spring with nothing more than a backpack full of Manga for supplies, Ms. Enns was noted as having said something about rainbows, and fuzzy little kitties, and she giggled, and pointed at a map of Alberta, Canada. Eventually, she just tapped her finger right on Provost, and insisted that something of great importance was there, or thereabouts. What all this could possibly mean will, undoubtedly, be revealed by Ms. Enns when she feels the world is ready for this knowledge. Ms. Enns is capable of creating the ubiquitous “Spinach Dip”, which is also known as Ambrosia.

The Biographer , on Wednesday, 14th February:

If ever there was a time when the flagrant use of the exclamation point was acceptible, it would be in the dissertations of Randy!. Randy! grew up in the make-believe Megiranthea, which would be slightly to the left of London, England if it could be mapped. It was in Megiranthea where Randy! discovered his great love of game design. He has worked on some of the world's most loved games, and was part of the original 15th century team which invented what is known today as “chess”. Randy! was instrumental in designing the Queen and her moves, fashioning her after his beloved wife, TUO!. Because of his mysterious origins in that other-worldly place, Randy!, like others of his kind, is actually a therianthrope, and can transform himself into different animals at will. Because of his great love of sleeping and playing, Randy! has often been known to present himself as an otter (or lutrinae, to his Latin-speaking friends). Unlike many therianthropes, Randy! does not lose all aspects of the creatures into which he transforms, choosing instead to keep a thick pelt of fur for his own insulatory purposes. If he ever does forget to retain his pelt, he is fortunate to have a warm sweater, made by TUO! herself, with the use of magic spinnerets. By the standards of his people, Randy! is still just a 'whelp', yet he has already done most of what he dreamed of doing. He still dreams of creating a great huge gun shaped like a penguin. No one understands all the mysteries that flow together to meld the creature known only as Randy!.

Laura , on Wednesday, 14th February:

1) i have lived in Calgary
2)My Pink Floyd T Shirt
3)Accounting/Reception
4)Famous musician
5)To be a famous musician
6)i'd rather be soaking in the sun in Mexico while drinking a pina colada out of a pineapple
7)i am the diva
8)pants

The Biographer , on Wednesday, 14th February:

The Diva, as she is known to the Great Unwashed Masses, was born in a Pink Floyd T-Shirt on the outskirts of Lower Islington. From an early age, it was obvious that The Diva was talented. Given a ball of twine, six swizzle sticks, and a hunk of pre-chewed gum, The Diva can construct a fully functional AM/FM radio. Shapely and highly sought-after, The Diva is often seen wearing pants, and is, although many are not aware of this, the inventor of the Piña Colada, a drink made with pineapple, cocoanut, rum, and lurve. When not in her recording studio, The Diva can be found lounging on the beaches of Mexico, haggling with the local children over the price of hand-sold Chicklets ™. Because of recent run-ins with the ‘paparazzi’, The Diva has taken a day job as an Accountancy Receptionier, although she certainly does not need the money, but merely to confusticate those of her stalkers who would do her harm. You will be familiar with The Diva’s works, as she is the woman who wrote much of the music for the Canadian Pop band, “Men without Glands”. Sometimes, she gazes out over the city lights, and sighs, knowing that the great city of Calgary owes much of its success to her support, over the years.

laura , on Wednesday, 14th February:

that is the most beautiful thing i have ever read...sniffle.... :D

enthymeme , on Friday, 16th February:

yay free bio! me please!

1) the west coast
2) wool socks, sturdy hiking boots, a warm fleece on a cold day
3) gypsy, artist, and bit herder
4) gypsy artist
5) to embrace this very precious moment, and this, and this, and this
6) goth snowball fight!
7) enthymeme (peripatetic and otherwise)
8) change, time, and distance

The Biographer , on Friday, 16th February:

In 2014, enthymeme's score will be a little over two. He prefers rainy places to cold places, warm things to cold things, and would like someday to drink champagne out of his boots, which are painted purple. enthymeme started life far, far away from here, and spent some time in the family sheep notchery business before changing his mind about his chosen profession. To be sure, enthymeme changes his mind often, and these shifts in perception sometimes are accompanied by a consequential change in distance. He is a traveller on several planes, and would love to return to his family's heritage of curses, baubles, and superstitions, to paint curses and sculpt baubles, and draw superstitions. Currently, enthymeme works as the sole ward of a number of very, very, very little things, a position for which he is particularly well attuned, owing to his keen skills with competitive barking. He lives very much in the present, although he has been known to dabble here and there *and* then and now with the ribbon construct that represents that particular dimension. enthymeme would much rather be participating in a goth snowball fight, and, no doubt winning, because he is so bouncy, and therefore difficult to hit.

Mitch , on Thursday, 31st May:

Wicked. This will so go on the about page of me bio. I say that before the work is completed, so strong is my faith in Cenobyte's wordsmithing skills.

1) New Caledonia
2) Any one of a large number of transformers shirts
3) Computing services officer (specialist)
4) The guy who decides what ends up in movie soundtracks
5) Get paid for DJing
6) Making beats
7) Viper Pilot
8) Battlestar Galactica (70s OR current)

cenobyte , on Friday, 1st June:

There is a legend among the Caledonians; a story passed down through generations, about a man; a man who would walk among them, bearing beets and creating a merry sound with his teeth. The legend says he will be an oddly-shaped man; one with a tiny thorax, “like the beetle what scuttles through the night-time, and hides in the day”. Anthropologists have researched these legends for decades, only now realising that in the days of Old Caledonia, there was no concept of root-based vegetables. Thus we know that today, this day, on the idyllic shores of New Caledonia, you may meet the Viper Pilot, interstellar man of legend, who sips drinks with umbrellas in, and who is paid handsomely for his great skill in hosting wedding receptions. The Viper Pilot has a long-standing goal (now firmly within his grasp, owing to his great ability of mixing music up with other kinds of music, a form of warfare unknown to the Caledonians, new or old) of launching a preventative pre-sneak attack on the Cylons. Only the Viper Pilot knows the actual frequency of sound which will cause both the Cylons and their robotic servants to disintegrate on deployment. How he acquired this knowledge is known well to him, and he will reveal it in due time to the other computing services specialist officers in his squadron. Someday, humans will pay great gobs of money for this form of warfare. Until that day, the Viper Pilot draws solace from many beloved Cybertronians, represented in pictographic form, each with its own article of clothing devoted to it. Currently, the Viper Pilot is plotting revenge for things that will happen very, very soon.

distractions