08/08/2008: "Today, a rant, and Pardon My Language" Dear TSN:

Eat shit.

It's a bloody good thing I never actually listen to your craptacular announcers, and that I watch your coverage on the teevee but listen to the game on 620 CKRM, where they actually do *good* play-by-play. It also helps that CKRM is the official broadcaster for this team, so I don't need to listen to your crackheads talk smack about my team, my province, and the city that is closest to me. But enough about how stinkily awful your announcers are. Let's get right to my point today, shall we? We shall.

I know I should recognise the privilege that I have, living in a progressive society; I have clean water that comes out of the tap in my house, not stagnant puddles in the street outside my lean-to. My children have access to excellent education regardless of their gender. I can wear what I want, eat what I want when I want, and worship who I want, if I want. I am a very, very fortunate cenobyte. I know this. I shouldn't be complaining about something so trivial.

But let me tell you, TSN. When you fart around with someone's football game, you're asking for trouble. TSN, meet trouble. You might want to go get your manager, or possibly a tissue, because sometimes I spit a little bit when I'm jumping around like this, gesticulating ridiculously at statues and small mammals. In fact, if there's anything breakable in the office, you might want to just keep a finger on it, because sometimes, breakable things tend to break around me.

I was looking forward to putting the chitluns to bed, getting a cup of the maple walnuts I made the other day, and sitting down to watch my Roughriders win their seventh straight game in a row. That's what I was waiting for. And you stole that from me. Not only do you have the world's worst commentary, but YOU TOOK (the visuals of) MY GAME FROM ME. I was forced to watch a blank screen with the following words on it:

"This game is under regional blackout..."

I was even tempted to phone my satellite provider and ask if there was a Pay-Per-View I could order, just to watch my Roughriders win their seventh straight game. I wanted to watch the starting offense, now down to guys they've picked up at sports bars who look like they might have played football in college. I wanted to see all the cripples on the sidelines, wearing their Grey Cup ball caps and civilian clothes, hopping around on crutches and screaming "Win one for The Gipper!". I wanted to see the bleachers covered in green, looking like God Himself had just laid out some sod (God's Sod, if you will). I wanted to see whoever the hell it is the Riders have hired to utterly mangle the Canadian National Anthem in new and unusual ways*. For cripe's sake, I wanted to see the young women wearing nothing but a Riders flag and Rider Pride, jumping up and down in the stands and screaming at a man in a gopher suit* *.

I don't ask for much. I really don't. In fact, I have never asked for anything from you.

But you took that away from me, didn't you. You took away from me, for no reason, the simple pleasure of watching one of the largest spectacles of public drunkenness and athletic prowess that takes place in this province on a semi-weekly basis. YOU did that, TSN. You. You made me unhappy. You wouldn't like me when I'm unhappy. You made Smarty Pants phone me and ask, "Are you watching the game?", to which I had to reply, "I'm *trying* to. Some ass-crack at TSN blacked out the game."

And let me just say, I fully blame you for the Riders' loss last night. You, His Nibs, and Fuzzy buggered up the Universal Mojo that would have guaranteed a win. You had people filming the game, and 'round about halftime, some idiot Toronto network executive must have been rousted from his drunken stumbling at a topless bar at the Beaches by a junior executive vibrating at him on his Blackberry that 'there's a problem with the broadcast', to which he texted back, "Fx Ti".

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*Actually, I know who it is who sings the National Anthem. Normally, he's a damned fine singer, although I've been utterly spoiled by the best singer in the province coming from my own family (no, it isn't me or either of my boys. It's my cousin). But I don't know what they do to him before he sings the anthem; it sounds like he gargles with ants.

* *Technically, a Richardson's Ground Squirrel suit, but "Gainer the Richardson's Ground Squirrel" hasn't got a very good ring to it.

"The good, the bad, and the fire"       "My hands felt just like two balloons"

15 Comments

Jenn , on Friday, 8th August:

Gosh. We were able to watch the whole thing, not 45 minutes south of where you are. How odd.

It wasn't a very good game till the last quarter, if that makes it any better...

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cenobyte , on Friday, 8th August:

Oh, GET OUT OF TOWN.

I know the first half of the game sucked like a snaggle-toothed granny, but at least I could have *watched* how much it sucked.

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Kovbasa , on Friday, 8th August:

Ah, TSN - The Toronto Sports Network. Where 'Riders games are habitually preempted by some car race with a viewing audience of about 10,000.

I'll admit, blacking out the 'Riders when they've sold out every game for the remainder of the year is pretty stupid, but I'm sorry to say that you've got nothing to complain about (okay, you do - just not compared to me). I had to fly about 2000 miles to watch the 'Riders play this year. Admittedly, it isn't entirely TSN's fault - most of the major networks down here didn't want to carry the CFL because it interfered with College ball. Still, I think that they could have done better than two local Florida stations (for the Snowbirds, apparently), VoomHD (dropped by Dish Network 12 hours after they added 15 other HD channels and loudly proclaimed that they had as many HD channels as DirectTV) and ESPN360.com (whee! streaming video! Now all I need is a high speed internet connection - an impossibility where I live).

The closest that I'm going to get to watching a 'Riders game down here is tossing on my Kent Austin jersey and driving two and a half hours to watch 'Ol Miss play.

But I'm not bitter.

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turk182 , on Friday, 8th August:

south ossetia

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Coyote , on Saturday, 9th August:

Now now Ceno, the commentary for the Riders has been much better this year. Except where Duane Ford is concerned. And Matt Dunagan and Chris Schultz give the Riders good reviews constantly. Not Jock Clime tho. Jock is a fucking tit tho who knows nuthin about football anyways. At least not good team football.

Now, Rider games can't be pre-empted anymore. The contract the CFL has with TSN for its exclusive coverage is pretty clear about showing every game, every time for the full length of the game. (Account for overlap for doubleheader nights)

And it's a mite better than having to deal with Chris 'Walrus' Walby who was the most biased, idiotic nipplehead to call a game. I swear, there would be a moment of silence and someone would hold up a sign that said 'Say something, stupid!' and Walby would take it the wrong way.

BTW Kovbasa, TSN also has all the games on their video page. Check it out to see if high speed is needed, or if they've got a lower quality for dial up. And I mock you, even my dad in Esterhazy can get high speed intrewebs!

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Kovbasa , on Saturday, 9th August:

Thanks for the tip, but it's my understanding that the games on TSN's page are only available in Canada.

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BPM IV , on Saturday, 9th August:

They tried blacking out the Bombers game here last night (although that was likely a courtesy considering the Bomber's play thisyear).

Thankfully my cable TV provider gives us RDS - french TSN, which is a Quebec feed and therefore not blacked out. The blue were getting stomped by Mtl, though. Not sure how many other CFL games they carry.

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cenobyte , on Saturday, 9th August:

Coyote, I hate to disagree, but this is what my Satellite provider told me in a written communique:

"We apologize for the inconvenience regarding the black out. The game was accidentally blacked out for a period of one hour because TSN erroneously blacked out the game for Star Choice from their uplink. Granted the fantastic season that the Riders are having, we understand how frustrating it is to miss the game - let alone one play."

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TURK182@SHAW.CA , on Saturday, 9th August:

heading south. where is lumsden? no computer.

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cenobyte , on Saturday, 9th August:

Just north of Regina on Highway 11.
What's your ETA? We're leaving on Tuesday afternoon...

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Coyote , on Sunday, 10th August:

Where did you disagree with me? I said they couldn't be pre-empted, they can still be blacked out in a given service area.

Years back, TSN would pre-empt western games with rediculous frequency with the dumbest shit. It was rather annoying.

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Parmeisan , on Sunday, 10th August:

"...even my dad in Esterhazy can get high speed intrewebs!"

Isn't Saskatchewan actually far ahead of anyone else in terms of getting good internet to small towns? As I understand it, SaskTel (who may be screwing up and screwing us over in many other ways) has done a lot in the area of serving *everybody* in a province where people are spread pretty far apart. I hate, hate, hate the "ahead by a century" ad campaign (which is really supposed to mean, hey, it's our 100th birthday???) but to be fair, we had fibre-optics far in advance of anyone knowing that they would be necessary (though I think the University had something to do with that) and we *do* serve our small towns well - not an easy task.

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Coyote , on Sunday, 10th August:

Kee-rect. Saskatchewan has one of the most advanced, and complete fiber optics network in the world. The infrastructure we have for comunications (Land and wireless) is second to none. SaskTel has done an incredible job making this province on the cutting edge of communication technology, so much so they send consultants all over the world to tell them how to set up fiber optics and other techno-gizmos.

So celebrate how great we are in providing the ability to talk to everyone, anytime, with speedy access to pr0n!

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Parmeisan , on Sunday, 10th August:

* holds up a glass *

A toast to speedy pr0n!

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Smarty P ants , on Monday, 11th August:

I'm also glad Chris Wallaby is not on my screen anymore. And (with apologies to BPM IV), I'm glad his favourite team is circling to bowl.
Remember this one? "Well you know (buddy), at the end of the day, the team with the most points on the scoreboard, wins."
Jock Clime knows nothing about football? Maybe not...but for the past 2 seasons, he's been consistently unbiased when it comes to the Riders, even coming to their defense in the half-time commentary on numerous occassions. That's enough for me to not *hate* him. For now. :-)
GO RIDERS!

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