centre of the universe - the dreaming

Ladies, let's sit and have a little chat, shall we?

Some of you need an intervention. Some of you needed an intervention when you were still under the age of ten. I'm sure some of you won't pay attention to this intervention, but really, trust me: it's for your own good, and for the good of the whole world.

Bodies come in many shapes and sizes. As long as you are *healthy*, it doesn't really matter what shape and/or size your body is. Some of us are flat-chested, some of us are well-endowed; some of us have great, sensuous round hips, and some of us are far more streamlined. Some of us have bingo flaps on the backs of our arms which can be deployed in a strong headwind to increase lift. The point is, if you don't look like "that" or like "this", it's no big deal. But there is something that *is* a big deal.

This thing is shape-appropriate attire.

I have said before that spandex is a privilege and not a right. This could be amended to 'spandex in public is a privilege and not a right'. I do not wear spandex, unless it is as reinforcing material in my bathing suit or brassiere. I *did* wear spandex, when I was sixteen. I wore spandex bicycling shorts because I used to do an awful lot of bicycling. I don't believe that I could fit those shorts on my bingo flaps now, if I still had the shorts, which I do not. BECAUSE I HAVE NOT BEEN SIXTEEN FOR TWENTY YEARS.

Tube tops.

Baby, tube tops are awfully cute on little girls. Some older girls and young women can get away with tube tops as well. When we develop our luscious curves we enter in a time in which extreme caution must be exercised. Tube tops are dangerous, dangerous things. Here are some guidelines for you:

1) If you do not pass the pencil test*, you probably should not wear anything without straps. Unless all you're doing is lying down, or reclining on a chaise whilst your cabana boy feeds you peeled grapes.

2) If the tube you are preparing to don is too small for your thigh, it is too small for your torso.

3) Tube tops look bloody stupid when worn over a tee-shirt. This applies to women and girls of all ages.

4) Flocked tube tops do not make you look slimmer. They. Just. Don't.

5) A tube top is *not* the same as a strapless gown. DO YOU HEAR ME, TEENAGERS!?? THAT IS A **SHIRT**, NOT A DRESS.

6) Never, ever wear a tube top to church. ESPECIALLY if you're the priest.

7) Tube tops are meant to be handled gently, with grace and a delicate touch. It is a Bad Idea to wear a tube top to participate in football, soccer, baseball, basketball, rugby, marathons, jump-rope, hopskotch, or curling. They are appropriate for swimming, beach volleyball, darts, and ice dance.

8) If you are over the age of 35, you might want to ask yourself, before donning a tube sock top: what am I trying to accomplish, here? Am I wearing the tube top, or is the tube top wearing me?

9) If you are over the age of 70, wear whatever the hell you please.

The next lesson will be: Fake Nails, or What Were You Thinking?

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*The pencil test: this is how the school nurse/guidance councilor/phys ed teacher decides it's time for a brassiere - slip a pencil beneath your breast. Let go of the pencil. If it drops out relatively quickly, you don't need a lot of support. For reference, the pencil I slipped under my breast in grade six is still there. I have named it Millicent.

Labels: advice, Mr. Dressup, style

When it's a duck.


Now that that's over with, and my day is made, there's also the gender analyzer. It believes cenobyte is a dude. Dude! Dude. Granted, it's only 68% sure of that.

Didja watch the news last night? Didja watch the political leaders talking about why you should be very afraid of the separatists or the Tories, depending on who was talking? I did. I was glued to the television. And you know what I thought?

First, I thought it was odd that Stephen Harper chose to deliver his paranoia-inducing blathering from Casey's treehouse. Second, it was unfortunate that Stephane Dion was forced to film his speech in the rumpus room. What really struck me last night was how different these things are in our country. In the States, f'rinstance, they have a room that's dedicated just to press conferences. It's all blue curtains and wired for sound and kinda made for someone to film the president (or the president-elect...how does that work now, is Barack Obama living in the suite over the garage until Mister Gee moves out?). But in Canada, you're lucky if you get a zero-white balance from the camera guy before the shoot starts. In fact, I'm pretty sure if Batman Jack wanted his address to have been filmed in the loo, his cameraman would have been all too happy to comply.

On to the meat of the issue.

There should be no surprises, after I've outed myself as a pinko socialist (actually, I'm far more red than pink; if you thought the epithet 'pinko' would insult me because it implies that I'm a bit of a leftard, you've sorely missed your mark. The epithet 'pinko' insults me because most of the 'pinkos' I know are far too right-wing), that I was more or less disgusted with what Stephen Harper said, which was a whole bunch of nothing. Not only does the guy not know his Canadian history (or possibly he just conveniently forgot that this is not the "only time in Canadian history" that the opposition party has attempted to form government), but he sat in his Smug Spot and tried to convince Canadians that if the opposition forms government, it will be the End of Canada As We Know It (with all due respect to R.E.M....since Canada's copyright laws are so wonky, I'm not sure if I should be concerned that Michael Stipe is going to come after me with a war baguette or if I should be concerned that absolutely nothing is going to happen). There was nothing in his address that made me say "you know what? I hadn't thought of that. Hmmm." Nothing that would make me even think about considering changing my mind that the possibility of the Tories being ousted is even remotely a Bad Thing. Not one single thing that cast doubt upon the idea that his losing his jaerb is what this country needs. In fact, when he was going on and on about how allowing SEPARATISTS to participate in a coalition government would certainly be the undoing of our nation, I started to laugh. Because he certainly didn't feel that way any of the numerous times he used the Bloc's voting power in parliament to shore up his own agenda. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Stephane Dion's address...well...he obviously looked uncomfortable (which made me wonder, Stephane, why did you choose politics? You kind of always seem to be the guy whose underpants are just a shade too tight). He said what I expected him to say. I wish the network I was watching would have aired the french version of both addresses. He mentioned how Harper and his Tories have steadfastly refused to address the economic crisis looming over our country. He made some promises I don't know if he can keep, and he referred to Stephen Harper in much the same way as many have; calling to question his refusal to actually co-operate with anyone and his insistence in basically being a parliamentary bully whose attempts to squeeze everything he can get out of the parliamentary system are finally coming back to kick him in the arse.

Okay, Stephane Dion didn't say arse. Well, not intentionally. I think he was trying to say something else.

A good friend of mine wrote to me and said, "you don't seriously support the coalition, do you?" And I wrote back with an expression of glee over the sheer anarchy on Parliament hill right now. And he replied with concerns because of what the federal Liberals are doing in Alberta (which is where he lives) and how a handful of his friends had all lost their jobs, and how he fears for his own job. You know what I wrote back? Because I understand that political flux is causing change. I said something like, "I understand why that freaks you out. If there *isn't* a change in government, I'll probably lose *my* job."

There's always going to be oil production. We're living in a resource-based economy. Even if he lost his job (he's an engineer) with the company he's with, I'm *fairly* certain he could find something else. As could I. But it's much, much more difficult when the only people who have respect for the letters after your name are the ones who believe that quality is more important than quantity.

Wow. Got siderailed there. Anyway. If you didn't see the political leaders address the nation, you should go to your Googles and let them do the finding. Then you can do the watching.

Oh. And I'd like to invite you to go read James Laxer's post on the topic. Laxer is an economist and professor of Political Science at York University (thanks to Elder Gamer for the link).

Labels: Canadian politics, coalition government, llamas, Mr. Dressup