25 August 2009

My Grandmother

I talk about her a lot, I know. She was, and is, a huge influence in my life.

My grandmother planted a garden every year. It was small by the standards of other folks in the town, but she was only feeding three. She planted lettuce, peas, corn, potatoes (LOTS of potatoes), onions, beets, radishes, beans (I always hated their sticky, furry feel; they always seemed to pull at your fingers), spinach, carrots, cabbage, and some other stuff that rotated from year to year. Her garden was behind the house, behind the hedge, next to Grandpa's workshop (a dark, oily-smelling mysterious place full of old license plates, rusted tools, a few hidden bottles, tins of tobacco, and log books full of flowing, spidery script written in pencil), between the granaries and the neighbour's burning bin. Together, we weeded that garden (I pulled out more than a few of my share of beets and radishes), we took the hoe to it. We watered it after the blistering sun had passed its zenith, leaving waves of chattery grasshoppers, popping caragana pods, and the smell of burnt grass in its wake.

When she talked, sometimes her teeth clattered where they oughtn't have; I didn't know until many years later that many people with ill-fitting dentures spoke that way. I thought it was only my Nama. Together, when the sun was at its most hot, we made pastry, washed berries, and shelled peas. Together we sorted laundry, folded towels and sheets, and changed the linens on the beds. Together we scrubbed the bathroom, vacuumed the floor, and swept the stairs. Together we made sandwiches for the men in the field, made iced tea for them, and together we rode out, she sitting on a phone book in the driver's seat, me holding the iced tea on my lap.

In the field, the soil tossed itself about on the breath of the wind. Dry, dry, dry. The newly-swathed rows of wheat would stab into my ankles. Nama would lay out a thick denim quilt between the swaths, and we'd lay out the potatoes, the beans, and the roast. The iced tea, we put on the tailgate, along with a basket full of plates and cups and cutlery.

The meals we had in the field were always special. They were my favourite. I got to drive the swather, or the combine. I got to sit on my grandfather's lap, and he'd tell me how to steer. How to gauge where the header would catch the standing wheat. Or I'd sit with my uncle, as my grandfather had a little nip or two. My uncle, more like a big brother than like an uncle, would tell me how much bread would be made from the wheat I was cutting. He would point to the sky and show me how to tell the difference between hail and rain on the horizon. Or he would just sit back, let me drive, and he would sing.

We'd get back to the truck, and the meal would be packed up, and I would jump down from the tractor and slide in beside my Nama.

Then, at night, the men would come in. Nama always let me stay up until they came in. It didn't matter if it was ten, or midnight, or two - she would wake me up and bring me out to the kitchen and we would serve the men a late-night sandwich lunch. I loved the smell of diesel and dust that came in with the men. I loved the look of their work boots, lined up at the door; their gloves, laid gently on top of the boots. I loved the look of their sock feet, under the table...revealed and somewhat bashful, it always seemed to me.

These are some things I remember in August.

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01 May 2009

Electric buses

I am positive this is the bridge that used to carry the trundling electric streetcars over the deceptively calm South Saskatchewan River. I rode on one of those electric buses once. I left my book in the back window. It was "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn". Of course, my book wasn't there by the time I rode the bus back across the river, and I was devastated; it was a tome my grandmother had suggested to me, and I did everything my grandmother suggested.

An afternoon of heavy, heart-rending sobs in the strange little stone house on King Street, and then back to the hospital after supper. My grandmother smiled at me. "You know, it's funny," she said.

"I don't think it's funny at *all*!" I moaned. "Huck was trying to thread a needle."

"No, sweetie. I think it's funny that you're this upset about it; it's just a book!"

But it wasn't just a book. It was the escape I'd brought with me, the fantasy that took me away from this city with its construction and sirens and Too Many People. It was the way out of this hospital with green and yellow walls, with people moaning in darkened rooms, curtains fluttering around beds that could hold anything, with any number of arms. "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was my release from the knowledge that my grandmother was shrinking, growing smaller and more brittle, outshrinking her false teeth. While we slept in a fancy house on a fancy street in a fancy city, Nama was busy dying. It was not 'just a book.'

She must have seen that on my face. She patted the corner of the bed, and I sat close to her but not with her - I couldn't snuggle up beside her because she was covered in Gentian Violet, and didn't want to get it all over 'hell's half acre'. She'd drawn me a picture of the 'little chink doctors' who'd all come in to watch her dying - it was a learning hospital. That picture was in the book, holding my place. She'd drawn it in a shaky hand, and the stark white paper was stained with violet streaks - like my grandmother herself; her vibrant and brilliant soul streaking across the white plains of death.

"You know, I have that book."

I nodded glumly.

"I'll ask your uncle to bring it from home."

"Okay," I whispered. What I really wanted to say was please stop dying. I don't know how to do this without you. I haven't heard all your stories. You haven't taught me about cinnamon buns yet. I can see you dying; I know with every ounce of you that slips away.

She held my hand, squeezed it, her teeth clackety when she smiled. "That's one of my favourite books, too. Maybe when I get out of here, we'll find you a new one."

"Yeah," I said, and tried to smile.

I knew, even though she did everything she could to lie about it, even though everyone in the family lied to me about it. About the shadow of death skittering around the room, hiding in the shadows behind the curtain, under the sink in the bathroom. There was always a part of me that wondered what would have happened had I not lost that book.

Twenty-four years ago, with the ice still on the river, just like today. I know you are free, now, but I wish I knew when this would get easier.

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